Cupidwatch 2005

Once upon a time, there might’ve been a reasonable breather between the Christmas season sales pitch and the promotional foreshadowing of the even less inclusive, more dysfunctional and similarly over-commodified occasion of St. Valentine’s Day. Yet, the annual Harlequin Romance Report, issued last week by the slumping Toronto-based publisher of happily-ever-after bodice-ripping paperbacks, earned its share of focus in the hometown media for attaching meaningless statistics to antiquated notions. Like how 19 per cent of women in “North America” – typical code for a Canadian survey where it’s unlikely Mexico was considered – want more help with chores around the house, even as 32 per cent of men wish their significant other would do something sweet for them on special occasions, while three per cent of fellas confess their concept of a guilty pleasure is curling up with a “sexy magazine”. Most of all, it’s revealed that people, regardless of genitalia, would rather not schlep off to work in the morning, Harlequin’s way of telegraphing a desperate quest to regain market share by churning out even more formulaic knock-offs of jadedly promiscuous chick lit.

More compelling are the results of a survey conducted by Brazilian professor and researcher Marcelo Peruzzo, dedicated to the subject of Who hurts others the most in Canada? Not a big surprise that “Lover” comes in at 13.6 per cent, compared to 8.4 per cent for “Husband” and 5.2 per cent for “Wife” – as Prof. Peruzzo explains, a weaker bond leads to less forgiveness, whereas erosion in a marriage breeds greater immunity. But blogging misanthropes aren’t left out of these findings either, as respondents also cited “Self” (2.6 per cent), “The world” (2.3, tied with “Fiancé[e]“) and “Life” (1.6). Mothers hurt their daughters more than sons, but fathers cause more hurt overall, and grandparents hardly seem to be upsetting anyone. (Mentioned by just 0.5 per cent of 433 surveyed.) Yet, any illusion that Brazil is a more hedonistic society gets dispelled by Peruzzo’s conclusions regarding how the amount of hurt generated by romance gone sour on his home turf parallels the Canadian statistics. Ladies, don’t go falling for that Brazilian wax thing – each hair seared from your most intimate of areas with expectations of arousing your man is another nail heading straight for your heart.

Those companies already announcing their desire to take your money “just in time” for Valentine’s Day include the eventually former book merchant Indigo, now selling diamonds worth up to $1.3-million; Pizza Pizza insisting that toppings can be a potent aphrodisiac, particularly that ever-phallic asparagus (“I guess that’s why a lot of romances have started or been rekindled over a slice of pizza,” offers Pizza Pizza’s VP of marketing); and Canada Post promoting the postmark from Saint-Valentin, Quebec, where a stamped greeting card can be sent inside a second stamped envelope allowing for the timely cancellation to be dutifully unnoticed by your stalkee. Does the same sweet deal apply even if the letter is being sent postage-free to Parliament Hill? Given how Canada Post indicate it takes up to fourteen business days to boomerang from one destination to the next, it’d probably help to know in advance how your local MP will tilt on the same-sex marriage vote. But if you want to express fondness for their sanctioning of polygamy, given how it’s tougher for a man to pack so many marital duties into a single day, maybe a Feb. 14 deadline needn’t be as firm.