Cupidwatch 2005 [#2 in a series]

Gathering the Valentine-themed detritus from this week on the PR wire – and this only covers up until 2:17 on Tuesday afternoon, six days before arrows are shot:

• A lubricious study commissioned by the folks at K-Y indicates only 12 per cent of Canadians would give themselves an A+ grade between the sheets – since the actual poll is nowhere to be found online, it’s uncertain if such favorable self-opinion came from chronic masturbators. Besides, one-third of the respondents “place the burden on themselves to figure things out” when it comes to getting love advice. Morning radio host Erin Davis shares with the K-Y researchers that her idea of a great lover is finished his duties in time for a 10 p.m. nocturne. And after dedicating nine decades of research to “intimacy enhancement”, meeting deadlines must be their business.

• Canadian Couples Need to Pump Up The Volume On Low Testosterone, reads the press release for AndroGel. “If the men were to have greater energy levels,” this survey reveals, “both men and women agreed that they would most likely increase walking, hiking and sexual activities.” Does the prospect of “walking” or “hiking” with a special lady motivate men to slather gunk on their upper body each day? Most disturbing is the term “pump up the volume” used to promote medication to help fend off a mid-life crisis – even if this is the year Christian Slater finally becomes old enough to legally date girls half his age.

• An online poll from Toronto-based Lavalife determines that 58 per cent of online personal customers pathetic enough to respond to an online poll would go without intimacy for a year in exchange for a shot at schtupping Brad Pitt, while one-fifth would go to work naked in exchange for their chance at romance with him. Wonder how that compares to how many female Lavalife customers weren’t getting any before signing up, and how many still don’t have a job. “When asked what they would do for a date with Jennifer Aniston, single men overwhelmingly responded that they would shave their heads completely bald.” Woah, that’s even zanier than showing up starkers at the office. Because nervously sitting across a coffee shop table from an out-of-work mediocre sitcom actress bitterly estranged from her mother and recently dumped by her husband for being stubbornly non-maternal is worth sacrificing a precious combover for.

• Vonage Canada learned that homewrecker Angelina Jolie would be the preferred phone sex partner for men in this country on Feb. 14. And now that they have your attention, they offer a sales pitch complicated enough to not convince the public that VoIP is neither the brand name of a lubricant nor a sexually transmitted disease. Back to the celebrity name-drop, Beyoncé is noted for “bringing up the rear” in the survey of male choices for hot ‘n’ heavy breathing via virtual numbers, while Prime Minister Paul Martin tying for last place on the female front. The survey was conducted by Decima Research, who randomly selected 1,024 Canadian adults on the topic of telephone love – that’d be 1,024 losers who aren’t conscientious enough to screen all of their incoming calls.

• The eighth annual Durex Global Sex Survey shows Canadians are getting action an average of 119 times a year, well above the global average of 103 and not far from the 137 little deaths pursued by the French. “Those surveyed are spending more time than the rest of the world on foreplay, an average of just over 20 minutes, and less than one-third have ever had to fake an orgasm.” And would you be interested in buying our unisex personal massager? Contrast how this same survey gets spun for media consumption in the Arab world, where the Durex flack details a corporate desire “to bring about a strong sense of awareness and preventative measures” in the Middle East blah blah blah etc.